Harry Dresden  Comedic Shorts
by Thrythlind
Summary: various silly things that occur to me reading Harry Dresden
1. New Business

"Well," I said. "First day of business. Are you ready for this? Ready to get some mileage out of your shiny new investigator's badge? See what it's like for a real detective."

"Ha, ha, Dresden," Murphy responded dryly. "Whenever you needed someone to do real investigating, you looked me up anyway."

"Well, yeah," I said. "Otherwise I'd end up in handcuffs."

Murphy gave me a side-long and playful glare as we walked into the office and headed up the stairs.

At least I hope it was playful.

Walking up the stairs to the fifth floor might sound like something only a health nut would do, but given my past history with elevators, it's usually safer for me to take the stairs. Wizards tend to be a bit hard on surrounding technology.

Which doesn't say anything about being a health nut. Trust me, there are health nut wizards. I took a bite out of my granola bar.

"When did you become a...masochist, I think you called it?" Murphy asked, smirking at me.

"The donuts are all under a veil," I grumbled.

Health-nut wizards make very annoying apprentices, by the way.

So, here it was. I was getting Murphy as an investigative partner, God have mercy on my soul, officially in addition to unofficially. I was rounding the corner to get a first look at the frosted window for our office.

It was supposed to read something like this:

Quote

Karrin Murphy : Harry Dresden  
Investigator : Wizard

We were listed somewhat separately in the phone book, I wasn't giving up my Wizard ad and she didn't want it coloring people who came to her. So...two ads. Twice the people, twice the advertising.

Couldn't hurt.

"What the hell?" Murphy snapped angrily. "Dresden do you have an answer for this?"

Broken out of my reverie, I turned to look at the sign that Murphy was now gesturing towards.

Quote

Harry and Karrin Murphy-Dresden  
Investigator : Wizard

My mouth hung open. Okay, that was a huge mistake.

"Don't look at me," I protested quickly. "That's not what I ordered."

Murphy glowered at me as she pulled out her key and started opening the office before pushing into the office.

"Well, you'd better get it fixed," she said firmly. "The last thing we need is people..."

"...talking," I finished for her as I looked over her shoulder.

Well, I was actually looking over her head, I'd have to scrunch down to look over her shoulder, but let's not say that out loud.

There was a table just inside the office where I planned to put my usual array of informative brochures on magic and the supernatural. Murph had her own brochures she wanted to write up for more basic concerns. In any case, the table was filled for the moment. Apparently our friends had been by to leave a selection of business-warming presents.

There was a nice set of small pizza-slice sized plates and bowls sized for most cans of sphagetti-os or chili, a coffee machine (someone must have snuck that past Molly), his and hers coffee mugs, dish clothes, a matching set of nice wooden chopsticks for each of us, a microwave, can-opener, a blender.

There was a blender.

What the hell had I ever done with a blender?

I'd never been married before, but I sort of recognized what was going on. Murphy's been married twice, and she was just about to turn purple.

"Dresden?" she grumbled.

"Not me, Murph," I declared quickly. "I swear, not me."

"What the hell am I going to do with a blender?" Murphy demanded, lifting the aforementioned package.

"You're asking me?" I responded as I took the package from her and looked it over, finding a note. " 'Fruit blends are good for you, Boss.'"

"Molly," Murphy noted.

"Molly," I agreed.

"That's one on the list then," she noted grimly, picking up a three ring binder. "What's thi..."

I looked at what she was reading and gasped.

"Murphy, does that say those are your mother's recipes?" I asked hopefully.

"Yes," Murphy said dryly.

"Your mother's to die for, Faerie Queens couldn't do better, food?" I asked, running headlong into the danger.

"Yes," Murphy said, turning up to glare at me.

I winced as her eyes started to turn toward me.

"Err...umm."

King of expression here.

"Right," I finally said. "Who else."

"This one says 'to relieve the tension'," the tiny, dangerous woman said, picking up a plain white box.

We both stared at it for a long, long minute before coming to an agreement as to who it was likely from.

"Thomas," we said together.

And we carefully set that package away unopened.

"'The Za-Lord and the Lady Knight-in-Exile, what the?" Karrin wondered as she held an empty box that had probably once contained pizza.

"The Little Folk," I explained.

"Oh right," she said. "'Za-Lord's Guard Salary' on your monthly balance sheet."

I lifted a Bible up and glanced over to her, cocking an eyebrow.

"Michael," she said, agreeing with my own assessment as she lifted a photo album full of my mug shots and a large number of photos of me standing with Murphy at crime scenes. "Oh...someone's been planning this little joke a long time."

"When did our friends become such wise-asses?" I asked in a grumble as she set down the photo album and walked toward the phones and the paperwork nearby.

"From you," she responded. "It has to be contagious. Hey, Harry, did you get a custom phone number?"

"No," I said, searching through the piles of admittedly useful tongue-in-cheek gifts. "Not really worth it, why?"

"Because the paperwork here says they installed one," she said. "547-7464."

I froze and wondered how long it would be before Murphy realized what that represented. Turning about slowly, I watched her staring at the paper in confusion that was slowly giving way to the simmering fury I feared and loved so much.

"K - I - S - " she started to say.

"S - I - N - G," I finished.

"Okay, first case," she said grimly. "We have several murders to get to."

"Solving or causing?" I wondered.

"Yes," Murphy said in a growl.


	2. Spell Research

Molly was relieved to see me as I came out of the infirmary after a few days recovering from sundry cuts, nicks, bruises, stabs and what not. Everything was calming down and she looked reasonably comfortable that she might be getting away from there without losing her head.

It was a good time for the conversation I'd been wanting to have since the second eruption of idiocy she was involved in, or caused, within my apartment.

"Oh good, Harry," Molly said. "I think Luccio is going to be signing me up for mandatory combat training or something if we stay any longer."

"You did note I'd trained you how to shoot and handle firearms, right?" I asked.

"Me and about five of the new wardens," Molly said. "Then she backed off for some reason."

"That was me," I told her as she fell into step with me heading for the exit of the Council headquarters. "Anyway, something I've been wanting to talk to you about..."

"Yeah, Boss?" Molly asked.

"So, you made a _blinding_ spell," I said, in clear hearing of at least twelve wizards in easy sight.

Molly turned beat red and glanced around nervously. With the blue hair she could have probably made a play for the Spider-Man movie...though I think it might have been hard to hide a few other features.

"I thought you said that we'd never speak of that again," she said in a soft, embarrassed whisper.

"Talking about what?" I asked. "I'm talking about a spell that..." finger quotes "'veils everything except'" end finger quotes "the person targeted. What do you think I'm talking about?"

Molly hid her face and hung her head.

Which was about the surest possible way to get people to realize that there was something in what we were talking about.

"Though, if, hypothetically," I continued in a loud clear tone "you're talking about what I think you're talking about. Then at least you managed to get some...inspiration out of the event. Never let it be said that spell research can be boring. I mean, it certainly seems you got a lot out of it."

"Harry," she said, biting her lip.

God, I can be such an ass.

"Don't worry kid, I'm not going to be telling anybody," I told her.

That is, nobody who doesn't read these files.

See, shortly after becoming my apprentice, there was an...emergency at the Carpenter home...which for once didn't involve anything turning purple.

"What's she done now?" I asked Michael as I came in the door.

"We're not sure," Michael said through narrowed eyes. "She just asked us to call you and won't come out of her room."

"Ohhkay," I said, frowning.

"She is very scared," Michael noted, a clear worried tone in his voice. "Do you think it could have something to do with..."

"I doubt it," I said. "Have you done a blessing? I'd expect anything you could whip out would just about tear to pieces any sort of mini-phage that snuck past the threshold."

"I have, but she remains...upset," Michael said.

"Huh, I'll see what's up," I promised Michael, I was a little bit concerned myself.

Any sort of beastie or affliction that can remain both unidentified and unaffected by Michael is something to be wary of.

I glanced through the living room to catch Charity's eye and smiled at her encouragingly.

Yeah, she didn't buy it.

I walked to Molly's room with a small collection of children gathered around it and staring at the door in concern, and knocked lightly.

"Hey, Molly," I said.

"Oh, Harry!" she called out. "I thought you were joking!"

Okay, that was a bit confusing. Joking about what? I joke about so many things.

"What are you talking about, padawan?" I asked, frowning.

"Are the jawas out there?" she asked lightly.

Glancing around at the other Carpenter kids I gestured at them to shoo quietly, waiting for them all to at least get around the corner before answering.

"Nope, nobody out here but us chickens," I said.

"Ummm..." Molly said...I swear she kept it going for half a minute. "Can you come inside?"

"Sure," I said, shrugging and reaching for the door and walking into Molly's room.

"The light switch is right on the wall by the door," she said.

I looked at the light switch. I looked at the light. Hey, the light was on. Shouldn't she...Oh Hell.

"You're blind aren't you?" I asked, looking toward Molly who was sort of sitting on her bed and glancing about the room trying to track the sound of my voice.

"Uh...yeah," Molly said.

"You thought I was joking," I repeated.

"Yeah," my new apprentice noted.

"About blindness," I said.

"Yeeah," she added, turning beat red as she said so.

I took a deep breath, set my staff against the wall and pinched the bridge of my nose in frustration as I shook my head.

"Are you KIDDING me?" I shouted.

Molly cringed and shrugged nervously.

"I was trying to...umm...focus...like you said," Molly noted.

"You're using meditation techniques for...THAT?" I shouted.

In retrospect it was highly amusing, but at the time I was just blown out of my mind...

...and not in the way you're probably thinking of just about now...

"Uh...heh," she said, eyebrows lifting nervously.

"Just..." I had to take a deep breath and find somewhere to sit. "Just...keep explaining what you did."

"And well...I was thinking it would be easier to focus if I could blot everything out," she said in a small voice. "And I remembered your joke. I swear, Harry, I thought you were joking. I never really believed that...you know...I could go blind."

I had been joking. I'd never thought it was possible either.

Molly's apprenticeship has taught me a lot about what is and is not possible.

And what is and is not purple.

"At least nothing's purple this time," I said, sighing.

"Uhh...actually, that's all I see," Molly said in tiny voice.

Figures.

I glared at her and she apparently knew somehow I was glaring at her.

"Okay," I said. "We're going to sit down and work this through step by step..."

A horrible thought occurred to me.

"Did you...err...clean up," I asked.

"I...think so," Molly told me. "It's umm, hard to tell with everything, umm, you know."

Okay, Dresden, ignore the thought that you could be in contact with your apprentice's...ignore that thought.

Just...ignore it.

You can do this. You've dealt with plenty of horrible things in the past.

Ignore it.

"Anyway, let's go through this step by step," I repeated, "with as little detail as humanly possible. If I hear about any sort of piercing..."

Gyaahh, you had to say it, didn't you Dresden. Now that's going to be stuck in your head for who knows how long.

She nodded, biting her lip.

"And then we WILL NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN!" I insisted loudly.

"Right, Boss," she said meekly.

It was about fifteen minutes before we fixed the problem and I stood up shivering and feeling more than a little...wrong.

Michael and Charity were waiting for me as I came out of the room.

"We heard you shouting," Charity said with a note of combined worry and disapproval. "What's wrong with my daughter?"

"She cast a spell on herself, by accident," I said nervously.

"Is it bad?" Michael asked.

"No, nothing breaking the Laws," I assured them. "She's just a little embarrassed. She let herself get to a...uh...emotional cl...heavy point and...ummm...inadvertently ummm...made it so that she couldn't see anything."

"She did what?" Michael asked.

"She errr...blinded herself," I admitted weakly.

"After an 'emotional heavy point'," Charity noted blandly.

"Yeeeah," I confirmed.

All three of us exchanged looks.

"We never speak of this again," came the collective agreement.

Now, here I was in Edinburgh ALMOST breaking that agreement.

"How'd you get Luccio off my back about combat training?" she asked, trying to change the subject.

"Oh, I told her I'd start bringing you with me to Murphy's classes," I informed her.

Queue deer in headlights look.

I am such an ass.

* * *

I don't know where I got the idea that a lot of Molly's early accidents involved things turning purple. Oh well.


	3. Justice League

"The Dresden Files is copyright Jim Butcher. This story is licensed under the Creative Commons as derivative, noncommercial fiction."

Gaming sessions often devolve into random conversations eventually. Especially when there is food to be gotten and a break is being taken, but this had to be one of the more bizarre such discussions I'd ever had.

"So Michael is Superman," Billy said. "That's pretty clear, right?"

"Who else could he be?" I asked. "Does anybody else lay the smack down like Michael?"

"Then Thomas is the Flash then?" Georgia suggested.

"Flash dance maybe," Kirby snorted, drawing a playful swat from Andi.

"And Wonder Woman would be..."

"Charity," I interrupted.

"Really, Charity Carpenter? Wonder Woman?" Georgia asked, crossing her arms. "Really?"

"You haven't seen her in action," I noted.

"Fine, but I want Batgirl," Georgia noted.

"Ooo, can I be Black Canary?" Andi asked.

"I'll go for Wolverine," Kirby noted with a smirk that drew several eyes to him.

"Wolverine isn't in the Justice League," Billy protested. "He isn't even in the DC universe."

"So, I still want to be known as the Wolverine of Chicago's Justice League," he said.

The rest of us exchanged a look and said in unison "Guy Raynor."

"But...but, he's a chode," Kirby whined.

"How about Molly?" Andi asked. "Would she be Raven?"

"Raven's on the Teen Titans," Georgia noted. "Or the Titans when they stopped being teen. And Molly's too cheerful and energetic to be her anyway."

"How about the TV version of Starfire for her then?" Andi asked with a shrug.

"She's annoying enough," Georgia agreed.

"Hey, quit picking on my apprentice," I protested. "She's not nearly that bad. Oracle for her."

"But I'm Batgirl, do we want a time paradox going on?" Georgia protested.

"Plus, Molly can walk," Billy noted.

"Can she ever," Kirby agreed with an emphatic nod.

Myself and the two women turned to glare at him.

"What? It's the truth," he said shrugging.

"What about Will then?" I asked.

"Blue Beetle?" Andi asked.

"What, as in Batman-lite?" Kirby asked. "That might work."

"Hey, I was going to suggest Martian Manhunter," Will protested.

"Well, I'm Batgirl, maybe you can be Nightwing, dear," Georgia suggested.

"I'm not sure I like comparing our relationship with a couple that breaks up more often than a butterfinger bar," Will said, drawing a teasing laugh from Georgia as they hugged close.

"Who's Batman then?" Andi asked.

All the answers were in complete agreement: "Murphy."

"And Kincaid would be the Green Arrow, then?" Andi asked.

"Now there's a slash-fic idea I'd never wanted to consider," I muttered bitterly. "So I guess that leaves me as..."

"Catwoman," Georgia noted.

"Ummm, I was going to say 'Doctor Fate'," I noted.

Billy snorted.

"Right?" he stuttered in a chittering amusement. "No, I think Catwoman is right the way you play things close to the edge."

"Hey, if you're going to make me a girl, at least make me Zatanna," I said.

"I like the Catwoman thing!" Kirby agreed. "She's totally other-ethical enough."

"I am not other-ethical!" I protested sharply. "I have very firm morale standards."

"Anyway, with the whole brainwash people for their own good, I'd make Molly Zatanna now that I think about it," Georgia said.

"Besides, Batman and Catwoman make a great couple!" Andi added.

"Great, so I'm the woman of the relationship then?" I asked, shaking my head before continuing to mutter under my breath. "I still say at least Zatanna. I mean Zatanna has a much better outfit and..."

I grumbled silently for several seconds.

"What are you looking at?" I asked them.

"I just got a great idea for the convention coming up!" Andi declared. "You have to invite Sergeant Murphy!"  


* * *

  
"Tell me Dresden," Murphy said in a voice of dread and doom that perfectly fit the costume she was wearing. "How'd I get roped in the Super-Hero Boxing Day thing?"

"You're not asking about how I got into this?" I asked, crossing my arms.

"I know better than to strain my sanity that far," Murphy noted.

And people walked around us firmly impressed with the Batman and Catwoman costumes we were wearing.

"Well, I like what they got for me!" Molly said in her Zatanna costume.


End file.
